I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
