I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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