my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
