Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
