sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
