i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
