We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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