So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
