i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
