you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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