I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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