he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You left your phone here
Wait...
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