the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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