my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
