Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
