Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
