i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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