I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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