Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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