i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
