Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I could make wine with my vomit
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
