he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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