U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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