I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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