my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
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