I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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