I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
