I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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