Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
