We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
