Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
