My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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