Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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