Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
