Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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