Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
