I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
