what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
