all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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