Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
