We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
