I didn't shave. On purpose
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
