So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Your cock deserves a montage
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
