ya dads aren't the best wingmen
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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