my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
