this boner is exhausting
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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