New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
