Apparently you make a good broom.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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