a queef is a wish your heart makes.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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