The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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