I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Welp...herpes.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Randomize
