I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
