I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
