my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
